My Cancer Journey 3

Written in 2010, spiritual musings prior to cancer surgery.

Anyone reading through this who knows that I have been a Bible-believing Christian for most of my life might wonder how all this was impacting my faith. To be honest, I was not sure! Growing up in the Assemblies of God church, I had heard of and even seen miraculous incidents of healing. I had also known of people, including my own mother, who died from various ailments or were killed in untimely accidents despite a strong faith. I had been taught to trust in God no matter what. Then we had spent a few years in word-of-faith-type churches, where we were taught that what you confess is what you get, and that if you continue to be sick, you are doing something wrong in your faith. It was pretty hard to reconcile Phil's diabetes with that line of thinking, for sure! It was also hard to picture Phil's mom, Barbara, who had a fantastic witness and obvious love for the Lord throughout her battle with cancer, as having anything wrong with her faith. After sitting through a teaching session where Job was indicted for his fear, which supposedly caused his problems, we bailed on word-of-faith, coming to the realization that we should pray in faith for the sick because that is what the Bible commands us to do, but that we should not question how God chooses to answer. So, with all that running around in my mind, what was my response to him when I found that I needed cancer surgery? I began to pray for peace in my heart, for healing, for grace to go through whatever I had to go through, and for God to use all this to reach someone who might not otherwise have a chance to hear about Him.

Praise and worship music has been a big part of my life for many years. So it was natural, probably, that I would turn to music for reminders of God's love. I recall the Sunday after the emergency room incident and before the diagnostic colonoscopy, I asked Ashley and Brian to sing the song "Healer" as a prayer special at church. That song became very meaningful, as did the song "Still" ("When the oceans rise and thunder rolls, I will soar with you above the storm. Father, you are king over the flood; I will be still, know you are God.") And following the surgery, another staff member at Springfield Community Church passed out Christmas gifts of the verse "Be still, and know that I am God." I also listened often to the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul". There have been so many times that I felt angry and betrayed. Times I didn't understand why so many things had to go wrong for us. Times I just wasn't sure it was worth the effort to keep fighting. The financial woes had been bad enough, but I had hung on to the thought that at least we still had our health. Now that was on shaky ground. I have spent entire days being mad at God. I know that doesn't sound very spiritual, but the reality is that if we feel that way, He isn't fooled. I really think He would rather we cry out in our frustration than to try to say all the right things and not face up to the fact that we are frustrated. And in the end, I have had to come to the conclusion, with the writer of Ecclesiastes, that when all is said and done, the important thing is to fear God and keep his commandments. I have realized that God owes me nothing; I owe him everything. If he never did another good thing for me, he would have done the ultimate thing for me in Jesus' death on the cross. Facing that realization has taught me to be thankful. I have been given many blessings. It is harder to see them from behind a huge wall of cancer, but they are there. Music is one of them. Sometimes I have sat down at the piano and just begun to play and cry out to God, and it does help to focus my thoughts on him. Another blessing I have experienced, reminding me of God's faithfulness, has been helpful friends. I had wonderful visitors at the hospital, along with flowers and cards. Phil's stepmother, Sharon, was at the hospital with us during the surgery and waiting to keep me company when I got home from the hospital. Both Springfield Community Church, where we were doing music ministry, and Christ Family Fellowship, where we had attended previously, brought meals. The parish nurse at Messiah Lutheran, where I was serving as Saturday evening pianist, called regularly. After the Friday homeschool orchestra classes, the day I came home from the hospital, a family drove Luke home and unloaded meal after meal into my freezer, some donated by families I hadn't even met yet! A big antidote for self-pity is to be thankful. Another thing I have found helpful during all this is the ministry of apologetics ministries such as Answers in Genesis. While an intellectual and logic-based view of God is no substitute for a relationship with him, it does help that I have examined the alternatives to trusting God and find that they come up short. And the days that I just don't "feel" like God is there, I know that he is there anyway. I still have days that I just don't feel like praising God. I wonder why I have had to go through all this. But you know, God is God and I'm not. Not trusting him is not an option.